I stood dead still looking at my reflection, disgusted with myself. I was looking in the window because I don’t have a mirror, so a large cross took up a lot of my image. My god, what was wrong with me yesterday. I was actually feeling rather decent today. None of that giveadamnlessness was left. I began to chuckle to myself. It was a pretty bad getup I had on and my hair was hilarious. I headed in to town to get myself sorted out.

I stopped by the unisex hairdressers and demanded a new do. It still baffles me that it costs $3000 for a haircut when most of the furniture I buy is less than $500 per piece. I asked for something a cross between casual and formal, stylish yet easy to manage. I decided to get a new colour too.

I also stopped by the tailors and bought some new clothes. Something that would look good while covering my naked, sexy body. It was a pair of nondescript pants and a denim vest and shit combo. I raced home and slapped on my aviators to finish the look.

Oooooooooh yeeeeeeah.

What was today… It was Thursday. That meant Boone was gone forever! He had fully committed to becoming She-Boone. I had to go and make sure it was true. I had to check that his house was gone. I ran to the end of the path and stared at the empty land. A tear began to well up in my eye. It was true! This meant… This meant there was a possibility of someone cool moving in to Meowland!

I wanted to plant something as a marker for this special day so I went up and saw the creepy plant sales-sloth, Leif. As I looked around he got a little too close behind me. I could feel his damp, disgusting breath on my neck. I shuddered. He said that he is offering a weed pulling service. I said that was nice and got the hell out of there.

Pfft. A weed pulling service. Who needs it! Weeds are nothing. I pull them all myself already.

I walked around the village looking for the pesky plants that needed ripping out of the sweet, nourishing soil. I saw Fang a way off and he looked happy. As he approached I saw he was holding something. He handed it over to me and said that I was the lucky winner and I would get to keep it forever. He also said that it wasn’t just for my benefit. Fang is funny.

As I walked back home to check out the new gift from Fang, She-Boone stopped me. She said that she wanted to see my house. She wanted to know what a ‘bell hoarder’ like me’s house would look like. I was all like whatever. and we went in.

As she looked around sticking her nose in my business, I sat and watched some TV. Far out, I forgot how bad TV is.

She noticed the staircase leading down to the basement and squealed with what I assumed to be joy.  She hadn’t been here since it was built and asked if we could go take a look. I obliged and we looked at the unorganised crap. She saw the giant wheel I had and asked to spin it. I said she could but if it landed on 5 she would have to leave then and there. Being the gambling type she gave it a spin. Little did she know, it was rigged to land on 5… hehehe.

I walked her out and then I went on a Fossil hunt. Recently I’ve only been able to find three of the usual four fossils. It’s weird how there has always been four fossils each day. None the less I still can’t find that last one…

I took what I had to Blather for assessment. I walked up behind the sleeping owl and poked him in the back. Scared the poop out of him. Apparently the museum already had examples of these ones. At least it was an easy $15000 from Re-Tail.

Blathers told me that I should check out the newly refurbished Nookling store T.I.Y. I have no idea what it stands for but I went to check it out. It was pretty big and I didn’t even realise that Leif’s gardening store was attached. I looked around in hopes for a fortune cookie, but no dice. I left, feeling a little sad and a little hungry.

I headed over to Lloyd, the donations gyroid at the new bridge location to see how funding was coming along. Naturally the villagers had only donated about $500. I payed the rest and, for some reason, celebrated my loss of money.

I went to town hall to enact a new public works project. I wanted to start getting some lampposts around the pathway. My happy puppy assistant whom remains nameless to this day, told me that I had already done enough work today. The bridge was payed off and I should relax. HOKUM! Or bullshit for the uninitiated. I wanted my town looking good damn it!

Pretty angry that I couldn’t improve my town, I head back to the village. Kidd was on the suspension bridge and stopped to ask me a question. He asked if I collected anything. I told him I did. Not really caring about me he kept talking about himself and his bottle cap collection. He told me how he loves soda.

I don’t know why he added that last part.

As I followed the footpath down towards the cliff Goaty Creature stopped me. She asked if I could get her a perfect fruit. I did have some perfect apples at home so I figured I could spare one. I collected it from my house and brought it to her.

Yes… The universe would be uneven… The planets would begin to collide, stars would implode. black holes would envelop themselves and become anti black patches. The kitchen scales I was given in return for an apple has saved the universe.

The Elephant was next on the ‘do something for me list’ I didn’t mind. We were friendly. He asked if I wanted to swap my new kitchen scales for a mystery gift. Anything has to be better than scales… we exchanged. He gave me a butterfly machine.

A butterfly machine!!! Butterflies are awesome! I ran back home and wondered how it worked. Would I turn it on and butterflies would come out? Would I need to provide the butterflies? it was a mystery. I set it up following the instructions. Turns out it was an exercise machine… Oh. I get it now. I wanted my scales back.

I took the “Butterfly” machine up to Re-Tail to sell it to pink llama. As I walked there Fauna stopped me and asked if I wanted to swap the butterfly machine for a shirt. YES, YES and HELL YES! Clothing MUST be better that this… thing.

It looked good, but I wasn’t going to wear it tonight. Looks like the universe is safe once more.

Knowing that all was right once more, I went walking in the crisp night air. I saw Mr Fang walking around carrying a shovel. I asked what he was doing. He said that he was looking for the Trap Setting Son of a Bitch. Ahh yes. Good man. He said that he knew I liked my sleep and he enjoyed doing the night shift.

I figured I should go and see She-Boone and explain that I didn’t want to just get rid of her earlier today, I just had stuff to do. I dropped by her house and asked if there was anything I could do. She said that a package for Goaty Creature was put in her mailbox by mistake. She wanted me to deliver it to avoid embarrassment.

First things first, I wanted to see what this was. I took it home and ripped off the packaging. I have no clue what the heck it is. I didn’t want to keep it so I took it to Goaty Creature.

I found her and handed it over. She asked me why it was open if it was delivered to She-Boone by mistake. I said that She-Boone did it. Hehehe.

She was pissed so I left to tell She-Boone the news.

I felt a little energetic so I headed to Club lol to dance the night away. DJ K.K. sure knows how to lay a track! It was just a shame the place was so empty.

It was starting to get late so I went down to the beach to cool off. I looked out into the ocean and started to feel bad that Fang was on night patrol by himself. I wondered what this was all really about. Why was Meowland being terrorised? The Trap Setting Son of a Bitch has made it clear that it’s all about me. I headed home.

As I got to my door, the postman was standing there with a worried look on his face. I asked what was up. He said that while he was picking up the mail deliveries from the back dock of the post office, someone had grabbed him from behind and held a knife to his feathery throat. The attacker said that as he was the deliverer of messages he should deliver one to me.

My father has been dead for three years…