Welcome back to part two of my harsh judging ways. If you missed part one, you can check out the five ladies of Nintendo here. Doesn’t saying “ladies” just sound creepy? Anyway, today we ain’t all about them feminine wiles. Today it’s about the boys!

So let’s take a look at the top five hottest male characters from Nintendo.

The Men. The Fellas. Males.

5. Bowser

First come the coins. Then comes the power. Then comes the Princess. That’s what our first eligible bachelor is all about. Well maybe not so much the coins, but power and princess is his long game.

Tall in stature, and by stature I mean both his height and his standings within his kingdom, you might be surprised to find he ain’t all about that Princess kidnapping after all. Bowser comes with what some would call baggage. I wouldn’t call it that. Okay sure he might have some emotional baggage, but what I’m referring to is his son, Baby Bowser or Bowser Jr. as it were.

It proves that he knows how to love. He was once in a committed relationship with someone special enough to take it to the next level and continue on his legacy. But what happened to Mrs. Bowser? Did  Mario do something to ruin the relationship? Maybe that’s why The “Evil” King of the Koopas tries to ruin the red plumbers chances with his royal crush.

Bowser is a complicated guy with a past that shows he knows how to be everything to someone. That’s what snags him number five.

4. Metroid

Next up is the titular character from the Metroid games. And boy, what a guy! Running around, saving planets and space stations and stuff! Metroid is the action hero of the video game world. Also, look at the size of that canon… If you catch my drift.

Looking a little bit like Iron Man with hugely built up, masculine shoulders, I’m sure this fella knows how to show the lasses a good time. Not to mention the flexibility to roll up into a ball! Hello Ladies.

What’s that? Metroid is a chick? I don’t believe you. A chick named Samus?! Stop messing with me.

Anyway, This shining hulk of a dude get’s number four on my list.

3. Captain Falcon

Are you looking for an accomplished, all-round kinda guy? Captain Falcon may just be the man for you. He’s a champion racer in F-Zero, licensed bounty hunter, inter-species smash fighter, ex-officer of the Internova Police Force and bar owner.

He’s the kinda guy that you know can protect you if someone starts to give you some unwanted attention while you sip on your Piña colada in his bar. He can just walk right up and Falcon Kick their butts to the pavement.

Plus, look at that get-up! Only a man comfortable within his own sexuality can rock a full spandex body suit that tight.

This over achiever ranks in at number three. Good, but not quite the championship caliber of this event.

2. Red Pikmin

Here we have one of my favourites. I was even close to putting him at the number one spot. Unfortunately for the Red Pikmin though I thought of someone else. Not to say Red Pikmin isn’t hot… He gets hotter than anyone else on this list.

If there’s a burning fire you can’t rely on a Blue Pikmin to walk through it for you. No Yellow Pikmin is gonna swim through a pit of lava to get you a bunch of flowers. White Pikmin wont brave the burning breath of that weird elephant looking creature just because you asked it to.

Also he doesn’t care if you’re a guy or a gal. If you have a whistle he’s all yours. Plus, just look at that sexy pose. For that alone he pulls in number two.

1. Tom Nook

Getting the top spot for the boys is everyone’s favourite raccoon Tom Nook. He might not be much to look at but he is a bit of a cute, chubby, little furry tanuki. It’s not about what he looks like though.

It’s not even about his personality. In fact he sometimes seems a little drab. It’s about what he is capable of. Like Bowser at number five, Nook get’s number one because of his power. He knows how to handle people. If you were to turn up in his town without a penny to your name, he doesn’t mind. He’ll give you a job and put a roof over your head. He might seem like a heartless slave driver but in reality, he actually cares.

Yes, he owns his own business, a shop constantly getting upgraded and he’s pocketing some coin along the way too, yet he cares enough to help out his young nephews by paying them a steady wage to work there.

Tom Nook is business man, a family man and frankly a man who cares enough to help a random stranger on the street. He might seem self centered and greedy but that’s really just a front. His true nature is what earns him number one.

Honorable Mention:

Wii Fit Trainer

 

Oh man, this guy deserves a mention, just for his glutes alone. Look at ’em! Just look at those glutes!

I just like saying glutes…

NEVER Mention

Francis

 

Francis is the character that should never be included in this list. That’s because he’s the type of person that would take these kind of lists seriously. This has just been some stupid fun with attempts at humor.

Don’t be like Francis.