Not so long ago I posted a video about how WarioWare came up with the idea for Fruit Ninja. I casually commented, just in passing mind you, that one of the characters in the game was hot. No thought about it, just a random attempt at humor.

But then I thought, what if I actually put some consideration into it? What if I was a sexist pig and decided to rank my top five hottest female Nintendo characters. Well, I wouldn’t do that. I’m too much of a gentleman. Then I thought, why don’t I do the guys too! That’s right, I’m a plain old pig. No sexism here!

However, we’ll start with the girls today and tomorrow we shall check out the guys. And you know what I mean when I say  “check out”. *winky face*

The women. The gurlz. Females.

5. Candy Kong

A classic to start the list. A hairy Lara Croft for the pre-and-mid pubescent Nintendo fanboys who refused to play as, let-alone ogle a Playstation character. What more could you want. Blonde hair on top. Brown hair everywhere else. Arms, legs, shoulders, back… Over-sized feet so you know she’s a fast runner, and what’s hotter than that?

I chose to go with the Nintendo 64 era Candy as the… ummm… I wanna say coconuts, are somewhat more exaggerated. This gets the lady Kong just over the line at number five.

4. Princess Ruto

Speaking of naked princesses… The first time I saw The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time I was probably about twelve years old. Nintendo had brought what I liked to call ‘The N64 Van’ to a cricket match so the kids had something to do while the Dad’s watched sports. I was racing along Rainbow road and looked at the screen to my right. I’m pretty sure the words that came out my mouth were “Why is that fish-chick naked?!?” The elder-teen in charge of that station looked at me kinda confused, maybe a little embarrassed. He muttered something under his breath, that I can only assume raging hormones forced him to well-up deep inside.

For that reason, and that reason alone, Princess Ruto takes the number four spot.

3. Mona

Mona is a career lady. No man can hold her down. Nothing can tame her and she ain’t goin’ back to the joint, not for you, not for no-one! In her first videogame appearance she was running late for work at the ice-cream parlor. Not prepared to tell her good for nothing boss a thing or two as to why she was held up for the start of her shift, she began to speed. The cops were on her tail and her monkey friend threw bananas at the coppers. The cars would spin out and the occupants within presumably died.

Mona is the badgirl. Now who doesn’t love that. She earns the number three spot. The same number of months she spent in the slammer her first time round.

2. Midna

Midna is the kinda girl you go for during a certain phase of your life. She’s the goth chick that makes you change your look and alter your personality. Make no mistake, I’m only talking about this Midna, not Twili Midna. That version of her is just a little bit ‘every day’.

This Midna though… She’s dark, a little bit moody and  has an attitude on her. The good thing is she’s not scared to let you know she likes you, even if it might be because she wants you to do some dirty work for her. And she likes you just a little bit more if you’re a dog. Then again who doesn’t love dogs?

Short in stature but big on personality. Midna Ranks in at number two.

1. Goombella

You know what they say. Smart is the new sexy. Goombella seems to know everything about everyone and everywhere. Not in a gossipy sense, just in a knowledgeable way. She can also take care of herself and has a bit of sass too.

Maybe her only downfall is that she falls in love too easily, being that she went on just one adventure with Mario and gained romantic feelings for her mustachioed friend. She’s tough, smart and independent yet reliable. She has her secrets, but nothing too dark.

Loyal to a fault, she might just be a keeper. That earns Goombella the top spot.

Honorable Mention:

Monita

Monita is the kinda girl you want if you like to play dress-ups… If you know what I mean. She is the robotic host of Nintendo Land. Along with constantly giving your ego a boost every time you complete any old task, no matter how mundane, she also likes to wear different outfits, or take on different personas if you will.

There’s her Dark Monita counterpart who appears in Pikmin Adventure and Metroid Blast. Then there’s Princess Monita who is found in Takamaru’s Ninja Castle. Like any good Princess she might just need rescuing.

Side note… Monita in Spanish means “Little Monkey”… Take from that what you like.

NEVER Mention:

Inkling Girl

Inklings are 14 years old for freak sake! This shouldn’t even enter your head!

Well, that’s the top five Nintendo women. Make sure you come back tomorrow to see who the hottest five guys of Nintendo are. Number one might just surprise you! Or it might not. How the hell do I know?