E3 Predictions 2014 Edition – Microsoft


Alrighty then. Lets talk about Microsoft and what they have in store for E3 this year. Well, I guess we aren’t really talking. I’m typing and you’re reading. None the less it is time for you to become learned in the way Microsoft works at E3 2014.

1. It’s not about the numbers. It’s about the numbers


*Note to self – Remember to remove the alternate option depending on the company

After the obligatory “What to expect” montage of games for PS4/Xbox One, Shawn Layden/Phil Spencer, the guy who took over from Jack Tretton/Steve Ballmer will walk out on stage. He will welcome everyone to this years E3 and thank them for coming today to the amazing Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena/Galen Center here in L.A.

He will mention that usually at these things they like to talk a bit about the numbers. But he assures us, that’s not what he is here to do today. It’s all about the games.

As expected, he goes on to talk about the numbers.

Regardless of the actual figure and/or sales he will say that Sony/Microsoft is the market leader. Naturally, nobody cares.

2. We need graphs. Lots of graphs.


*Note to self – DEFINITELY remember to remove the other name.

After the numbers, Shawn/Phil will keep talking about figures and shall molest our eyes with many, many graphs. They will be totally be pointless and no one will care. This will take up about 15 minutes of precious media briefing time.

3. Where’s my Kinect?


At one time, not so long ago, Kinect was meant to become the Xbox’s bread and butter. It was going to be both the cats meow and pajamas simultaneously. Unfortunately, and Microsoft has come to realise this, people don’t care about the Kinect. Most people use it for voice control and that’s about it. XBOX PLAY! XBOX STOP! XBOX… Just turn off.

There will be no mention of Kinect, except in the form of “Our new bundle without Kinect…” No Kinect games will be shown. At least nothing that requires standing up. Some games will include voice commands.

We will hear the cries of the little girl from a few years back from the on-stage Kinect demo. a little squeak followed by “I loveded you Skittles…”

4. Who would want that?


*Note to self – Seriously remember.

Everybody! That’s who. Thankfully Shawn/Phil will announce that the feature that should have been built into the PS4/Xbox One from the beginning. You will be able to stream your whole collection – movies, music & photos, with ease.

This isn’t that exciting of an announcement because it’s not like it’s something new. Hell the PS3/Xbox 360 did it. It’s expected in this kind of technology. Unfortunately it’s about nine months away.

5. Obligatory Halo


For too long now Microsoft have missed a golden opportunity. But not this year. A new trailer for the new Halo game begins to roll. The fanboys in the auditorium and watching at home explode in their already unsanitary pants. The trailer ends and Beyonce walks out to her song ‘Halo’.

She begins to talk. She says that this is what the new halo game was GOING to be like. Microsoft however, want the game to appeal to a wider audience. A new trailer rolls.

There is utter disappointment. The graphics have been replaced with cartoon-like visuals, similar to Wind Waker. 32% of the audience spontaneously combust right there and then.

6. Online or bust


A very special guest, Dan Houser of Rockstar is invited onstage. It’s a rare appearance for him as he usually avoids media events. The remaining crowd that weren’t consumed by fire are excited as hell. You, at home, begin to shake with excitement.

Dan talks about GTA V and straight off the bat says it is not coming to Xbox One, PS4 or PC. GTA Online however, will be making the jump later this year. Along with finally coming over to next gen and PC, new content will also be available across all platforms, in the way of a city. It’s a city we have seen before… It’s Las Venturas.

Houser drops the mic and walks off stage.

7. Smaller is better


Even though the console has been out for less than a year, it is announced that the Xbox One S will be released next week. Retailers across North America, Europe and Australia openly weep and say “Why you do dis?”

8. Collar Doody


We can’t have a show without Microsoft talking about the new Call of Duty game! After a ten minute gameplay demo they will talk about the new name they have chosen for the game – Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. They will go on to say that the reasoning behind this is to try and make you forget that Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter is a thing. You know, just in case Ubisoft make another one of those games.

Side Note

Many games

Many other games will also be talked about, most of which have been to E3 before. There will be a couple of new titles, none of which being new IPs. Regardless there should be a heap of games to look forward to.

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