I Suck at Video Games

Ico is one of the best video games ever made. Sure, it’s short. And it’s a little easy. It has to be, or else I wouldn’t have finished it. I like it so much that I finished it 5 times. Now, it’s like sitting down to watch a favorite movie. It takes a bit more than 3 hours, and sometimes there is a plot twist you just don’t remember. There’s that water level which also surprises me, and confuses me a bit. I never have to throw controllers playing that game anymore.

I had a long-standing bet with my friend Drave that there would be a sequel to this game. It was a bet I could never lose because he forgot to put a time limit on it. Therefore, if no sequel ever happened, he still couldn’t collect! Of course, we had bet nothing, so there was no collection to have. But he could never have the satisfaction of winning.

I eventually saw an Internet rumour about a Japanese trade magazine advertising for programmers for a game from the makers of Ico, and I knew immediately that I was waiting for this game, whatever it was going to be, and whenever it was going to be.

That game is Shadow of the Colossus, and it was the primary reason I got the used PS2 from my co-worker. Sure, he threw in God of War (I’ll talk about that some other time), but it was all about Shadow of the Colossus. So I ran out to get it, and popped it in.

I watched the opening title screen and hit start. Then there was a long — really long — opening cinema about my love being dead, but if I could defeat the 10 Colossi, I could bring her back to life. And I really want to bring her back to life, because she is my love. And oh look at the castle, so reminiscent of Ico, and the lighting and shading effects. Ico-ish. And my character. This game is going to rock!

Next I get to jump on my horse and go out looking for adventure! And then I look. And I look. Wait, up ahead, there I see the level I need to do first.

Now I am in a clearing and I know I need to go up, but I cannot find a way to go up. After spending about 20 minutes trying to go up, I make my first look into Game FAQs for help. It turns out I can push a button on my controller to hold the wall and climb up! Wow! Who knew? Do people actually figure this stuff out on their own?

Next I get up, and there is this giant beast ahead of me, and it looks amazing! This is seriously one of the most amazing looking games I have ever seen. So I run up to it to attack, and I die.

So I try again, and he stomps me dead.

One more time, and another time dead. There is some combination of buttons I can press to zoom in on what I am supposed to be looking at, and all I see is the creature, so I try again. And get stomped dead again.

And again.

So it’s back to Game FAQs for another hint, and it tells me to run around behind the thing! Ah! So I follow the instructions and run up to the back and grab on and stab stab stab and the thing falls down! And I fall off of it. And it gets mad. And stomps me dead.

Now wait a minute! That wasn’t supposed to happen! So this time I stab stab stab and the thing falls down, so I climb up on his leg and he shakes me off and then I climb on again and I can’t stay on!

I read Game FAQs. More than one FAQ so I can be sure I have this right. But it is no use. I cannot figure out, even with the steps written out for me in plain English, how to beat the FIRST Colossus in Shadow of the Colossus. I turn off my PS2, change games, and roll up some stuff into a star as comfort food. (I’m not so hot at Katamari, either, but that’s another column.)

I haven’t tried Shadow of the Colossus again because the embarrassment of this particular level of sucking is just too much for me to take. Usually, I can get somewhat far into a game before getting stuck or frustrated, but this is ridiculous. In fact, it was an hour later that I went to check if isuckatvideogames.com was available. So here we are.

EPILOGUE: It is 5 weeks later and I am in the Playstation store at The Metreon, and I am looking to see if there is a game I might actually like to play. Some guy is playing this incredible game, and I ask what it is. He tells me “Shadow of the Colossus.” I say “hey, I have that game, but I suck so bad I can’t even beat the first Colossus.”

He then shows me. Runs around back. Stab stab stab. Climb climb climb. Stab stab stab. I think it took 45 seconds. His friends giggled. I blushed in shame.

I suck at video games.