I Suck at Video Games

Sometimes it’s hard to tell which sucks more: the game or me. This time, I’m voting for the game, but I’m not so good either.

MLB Slugfest 2006 is the newest “action baseball” product from the creators of NBA Jam. It takes a baseball game and makes it into a cartoonish event, full of fights, punching, celebration dances, and other tomfoolery. It highlights the kind of actions that people hate about athletes and applies them to baseball players, who generally act with more class than this.

I got this game for $15 brand new, which may be too much, because I don’t think I’m going to be able to sell it anywhere for anywhere close to this, and I have no belief that I will ever get $15 worth of enjoyment out of this crap. It’s just about the worst game I’ve ever played.

My personal “I’m going to suck at this” moment was when I read the instruction book,, and saw that near the back of the book, there was a list of trick pitches with the button combinations needed to throw them. Oh great, combos. I’d say that the only combos I like are pretzel snacks and pizzas, but I don’t like these combos either. Needing to memorize an arbitrary collection of buttons that are needed to press in a specific order just to beat a game has always seemed somewhat silly to me. In fact, I hate it.

Besides, what is baseball about combinations? Is a pitcher going to through a hadouken or a sharyouken? (No, I don’t know how to spell them, and I am not on the Internet right now to look them up, and I’m not going to bother when I’m connected, either.) Why is he trying to knock out the batter with a spinning kick anyway? First, you get the strikeout, and if you can do the fatality, you get to rip the batter’s head off. This is not baseball.

The first time I tried the game, I was down 12-1 after two innings. I had managed to give up 7 inside the park homeruns because the fielding and throwing is so completely messed up. In order to throw to second base, for example, you push the right analog stick upwards. Every single time I did this, the fielder would throw to second, and the second baseman would then immediately throw to third. This means that if a runner were about to slide into second, you wouldn’t bother making a tag.

Now let’s suppose for a moment that I actually had the ball on the base, and the base runner was standing there. What this game actually allows to the runner to do is punch the fielder. An effective punch will make the fielder drop the ball and double over in pain. When this happens, the runner advances a base. Then this starts again. It’s fun to watch the game declare INSIDE THE PARK HOMER when a runner basically thugged his way around the bases. This is baseball for assholes.

The game has a season mode, and I decided it would be fun to create my own team and play a season. So I picked all the players from my fantasy team, the Hayward Cleavers (get it? Hey Ward Cleaver! Ha Ha!) and made them into a team. Then I get to assign them to a city — I picked San Francisco — and play a schedule. The game keeps statistics, which is fun. But before you get too excited, you should know that while Manny Ramirez plays for my team in the game, he is still playing on the Red Sox, so all his stats are doubled! So everyone on my team leads the league in everything! This sucks. One fun thing about Season Mode in a sports game is trying to be a league leader. Here, you just are one by default.

I just remembered that this website is about how I suck at video games, and not how video games suck. I’ll tell you then, about a game I played against Oakland. I had finally figured out how to field, and things were going swimmingly well. I was up 7-0 in the 8th, and I was so excited at the prospect of an actual shutout! So Oakland hit two grand slams in the inning, and ended up winning the game 11-9, which reminded me of the reason we’re all here.

I suck at video games.

Ico is one of the best video games ever made. Sure, it’s short. And it’s a little easy. It has to be, or else I wouldn’t have finished it. I like it so much that I finished it 5 times. Now, it’s like sitting down to watch a favorite movie. It takes a bit more than 3 hours, and sometimes there is a plot twist you just don’t remember. There’s that water level which also surprises me, and confuses me a bit. I never have to throw controllers playing that game anymore.

I had a long-standing bet with my friend Drave that there would be a sequel to this game. It was a bet I could never lose because he forgot to put a time limit on it. Therefore, if no sequel ever happened, he still couldn’t collect! Of course, we had bet nothing, so there was no collection to have. But he could never have the satisfaction of winning.

I eventually saw an Internet rumour about a Japanese trade magazine advertising for programmers for a game from the makers of Ico, and I knew immediately that I was waiting for this game, whatever it was going to be, and whenever it was going to be.

That game is Shadow of the Colossus, and it was the primary reason I got the used PS2 from my co-worker. Sure, he threw in God of War (I’ll talk about that some other time), but it was all about Shadow of the Colossus. So I ran out to get it, and popped it in.

I watched the opening title screen and hit start. Then there was a long — really long — opening cinema about my love being dead, but if I could defeat the 10 Colossi, I could bring her back to life. And I really want to bring her back to life, because she is my love. And oh look at the castle, so reminiscent of Ico, and the lighting and shading effects. Ico-ish. And my character. This game is going to rock!

Next I get to jump on my horse and go out looking for adventure! And then I look. And I look. Wait, up ahead, there I see the level I need to do first.

Now I am in a clearing and I know I need to go up, but I cannot find a way to go up. After spending about 20 minutes trying to go up, I make my first look into Game FAQs for help. It turns out I can push a button on my controller to hold the wall and climb up! Wow! Who knew? Do people actually figure this stuff out on their own?

Next I get up, and there is this giant beast ahead of me, and it looks amazing! This is seriously one of the most amazing looking games I have ever seen. So I run up to it to attack, and I die.

So I try again, and he stomps me dead.

One more time, and another time dead. There is some combination of buttons I can press to zoom in on what I am supposed to be looking at, and all I see is the creature, so I try again. And get stomped dead again.

And again.

So it’s back to Game FAQs for another hint, and it tells me to run around behind the thing! Ah! So I follow the instructions and run up to the back and grab on and stab stab stab and the thing falls down! And I fall off of it. And it gets mad. And stomps me dead.

Now wait a minute! That wasn’t supposed to happen! So this time I stab stab stab and the thing falls down, so I climb up on his leg and he shakes me off and then I climb on again and I can’t stay on!

I read Game FAQs. More than one FAQ so I can be sure I have this right. But it is no use. I cannot figure out, even with the steps written out for me in plain English, how to beat the FIRST Colossus in Shadow of the Colossus. I turn off my PS2, change games, and roll up some stuff into a star as comfort food. (I’m not so hot at Katamari, either, but that’s another column.)

I haven’t tried Shadow of the Colossus again because the embarrassment of this particular level of sucking is just too much for me to take. Usually, I can get somewhat far into a game before getting stuck or frustrated, but this is ridiculous. In fact, it was an hour later that I went to check if isuckatvideogames.com was available. So here we are.

EPILOGUE: It is 5 weeks later and I am in the Playstation store at The Metreon, and I am looking to see if there is a game I might actually like to play. Some guy is playing this incredible game, and I ask what it is. He tells me “Shadow of the Colossus.” I say “hey, I have that game, but I suck so bad I can’t even beat the first Colossus.”

He then shows me. Runs around back. Stab stab stab. Climb climb climb. Stab stab stab. I think it took 45 seconds. His friends giggled. I blushed in shame.

I suck at video games.

I just turned 35, and since I am no longer a male between the ages of 18-34, I am now in the proper demographic where I feel it safe to admit it. I suck at video games.

Here’s the rub: I love playing them. I’ve noticed that there is a big gap in the video game review world. Everyone who writes about games for a living is able to get to the end of these things before 100 people have written online about how to beat them. Where is the voice of the crappy gamer?

I always find myself buying a PS2, playing a few games that look cool, sucking at them, throwing controllers, reading cheats online, and eventually selling it all on craigslist at a small loss.

Then, a few months later, I start again.

The time has come for me to stop the cycle! I am now going to suck at games as a creative endeavor!

Join me in my quest to suck at as many video games as possible. You can be surprised when I’m good at one, and laugh at me when I’m not. I’ll tell stories about video games and other media when applicable. I’ll swear. I’ll throw (even more) controllers.